Indescribable

It's hard to believe that a pain and sadness this strong can be felt.

I can't describe it to you, nor can I really understand it myself.

I can't decipher where the main source of the pain lies or in what form

Is it disappointment towards him? For thinking maybe he'd think twice before being rude to me, then ignoring me only to follow up by changing his profile picture to one of him and his girlfriend?

Is it anger towards him? Because how could someone lead someone on so blindly for 6 months if they were just going to end it the way they did?

It is anger at myself? How could I be fucking dumb enough to believe that he would choose me over her? That he would choose someone, outside to his religion, someone he hasn't known for even a quarter as long, someone, who although may be better looking clearly isn't the incredible and amazingly caring person that SHE must be.

I guess I made the downfall so much worse for myself. I kept building it up, the expectation, the background, created connections between myself and people close to him, let myself get carried away with the exciting prospects of our future.

I knew it was coming.

I am the rabbit caught in headlights. I can see the oncoming vehicle, except its not just a car, its a monstrosity of a truck, and its hurling towards me at a great speed. I know when it hits me its going to kill me, and I mean kill me. But I can't help but stare into those beautifully bright headlights.

And now its too late. The damage has been done.

What I must do now is choose the next path to take. Knowing me I will run after that gosh darn truck, I'm pathetic like that.

But I had hopes you know? And dreams, and what is wrong with that?

I've found a new faith, one which I will stick with, if not for the right reasons, then so I can spite him and piss him off when he sees me in his stake. Just because I always got the feeling that he never really wanted me to succeed, son of a bitch.
And you know, even as I say that, I feel bad. I feel bad that I'm insulting the guy who made me feel like I was actually beautiful, special, desirable, the guy who made me feel like I had a future, I had security and I had love only to crush every millimetre of light and life I had inside of me and leave me alone in the dark. With nothing.

All I wanted was a slice of what he was offering. And you know what? He was fucking offering it to me. On a silver platter. And I had it, maybe that's what makes this pain so much worse than it is.
There won't be 'other' guys, that tag is such bullshit. There aren't plenty more fish in the sea either. And I am NOT better than him, I do NOT deserve more.
He was perfect.

God help me.